Leaving
by Symphony In Blue
Summary: "If you really love me, you'll let me go." Angsty fic post series 9. I'm so sorry for this, I just had to get it out of my system. Please don't hate me!


**I would like to apologise in advance for all the drama and the angst you're about to read. I honestly don't know what came over me, but this idea came into my head and wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it down. This is not how I want things to end for Harry and Ruth, but I fear that there's a distinct possibility that the writers will go with a scenario similar to this one. Again, I'm sorry!**

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The doorbell rang. Harry looked up, wondering who it could be. He was sure he wasn't expecting anyone. He padded into the hallway barefoot with Scarlet following closely behind. After looking through the peephole to see who was on the other side, he quickly removed the latch and opened the door.

"Ruth," was all he could say. He was surprised to say the least to find her on his doorstep at night. They'd hardly spoken since the inquiry.

"Hello Harry," she replied.

For a moment all he could do was stare at her. Not being in contact with her had been unbearable, and now that she was standing in front of him he couldn't help stealing a moment to drink in her features.

Finally he realised they were both still standing there, he in the doorway and she still outside, and the outside temperature wasn't exactly pleasing.

"I'm so sorry, please come in," he said and moved to step aside.

Ruth didn't move. "I'd rather not," she said. "I won't be staying long."

"What is it then?" he asked. "Is something wrong?"

"No, nothing's wrong." She said. "It's just that I-I've come to say goodbye."

Harry's eyes widened in shock. "Saying goodbye? What are you talking about?"

Ruth took a deep breath before continuing. "I'm leaving Harry."

Harry felt as though someone had whacked all the air out of his body. His worst nightmare had come true. He couldn't breathe.

It took him a while to pull himself together again. "Why? How? Where..?" he stuttered, sounding very much like Ruth when she rambled.

Ruth, however, stayed very calm. "I just can't take it anymore Harry. This job, it's taken so much. Much more than it has given me. It has taken its toll on me and I'm no longer prepared to bear the burden."

Harry protested. "I know you've been through a lot over the years. And especially recently you've lost so many people, but so have I. It wasn't always this bad, you know that. And you can work through this, _we_ can work through this, either separately or together. Let me help you, I can get you counselling.."

Ruth put up her hands, motioning him to stop. "Please stop it Harry, my mind's made up. I am going through with this."

Harry sighed in defeat. "When are you planning on leaving?" he asked.

"Tonight," she said.

"What?" he said, shocked.

"I handed in my resignation to the DG with two weeks' notice. Those two weeks have now ended" Ruth replied.

"You went over my head and handed in your notice directly to the DG, why?" he asked.

"Because I knew you'd try and stop me and have a big argument about it," she answered.

"Damn right I would have," he said through gritted teeth.

"Ruth you can't do this. Not only are you our best analyst and we'd be lost without you, but I personally can't bear the thought of you leaving. _I _would be lost without you."

Ruth cast her eyes downwards and shook her head slightly. "Don't do this Harry, please don't make matters worse."

He was getting angry now. "How am I making matters worse? It's you turning up on my doorstep to tell me you're leaving this very same evening!"

"I have to go!" she half shouted back at him.

Harry shook his head. "No you don't. You're running away because you can't bear to face the truth."

Even though what he said was true it didn't hurt any less. His words hung between them, heavily, and Ruth felt as though she'd been slapped in the face.

"I just need to get away from this place," she finally said. "I need to start afresh, someplace where nobody knows who I am."

"You've done that once before, and see how that worked out for you," he spat bitterly.

Ruth's eyes shot up at him, a mixture of anger and hurt spread all across her features. "How dare you!"

She felt like slapping him, but she didn't.

Harry couldn't believe he just said that. He felt like kicking himself.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," he said, looking at her apologetically.

She shook her head. "No, you shouldn't have."

Again Harry just stared at her. He couldn't believe any of this was actually happening. In a matter of minutes his world had been turned upside down, and he felt as though all happiness had been sucked out of him forever by what Ruth had just told him.

"I should probably go," Ruth said.

"Do you know where you'll be going yet?" he asked.

Ruth nodded. "I do, but I'm not telling you where I'm going. I need to start with a clean slate and I can't do that if people from my old life know where I live. Besides, I know that if you really want to know where I am you'll be able to find me anyway."

Harry's eyes lit up ever so slightly at her last comment.

"But I'm going to ask you not to," she continued before Harry had the chance to say anything.

"Please don't contact me, for both our sakes," she said.

Harry grabbed her hand and held it tightly. It was now or never. "Please Ruth. If there was ever anything between us you won't do this, you won't sever the ties between us just like that."

Ruth bit her bottom lip, desperately trying to keep her emotions in check. "But that's just it, isn't it? There will _always _be something between us. But I can't let that rule my life, not anymore."

Tears were gathering in both their eyes, threatening to spill over at any second.

Ruth reached out and cupped his face with one of her hands, brushing her thumb over his cheek. "A part of me will always love you," she whispered.

"And I love you, fully and unconditionally." He said. "Always have and always will."

Ruth nodded as a stray tear rolled down her cheek. "I know."

"Then why don't you stay?" he asked, almost pleadingly. "We love each other, what could be simpler than that?"

She shook her head. "It's what complicates matters most. I meant it when I said before that too much has happened. The things we've done, what we've seen together. It's impossible to overcome, especially when there's love involved to complicate matters further."

Harry could feel his heart shattering into a thousand pieces there and then. He couldn't believe this was happening. The one time they both finally dared to admit their true feelings for one another was most likely also the last time they would ever see each other.

"I can't let you go," he whispered. "Not again."

"You'll have to," she replied, "for my sake as well as your own. If you really love me, you'll let me go."

And again, mirroring their first 'final' goodbye many years ago, she stands on her tiptoes and reaches up to kiss him softly on the lips.

It takes him a moment to realise what exactly is happening, but he quickly responds by kissing her back, savouring the feel of her soft lips against his, knowing it'll be the last time.

When she reluctantly pulls away, they both have tears streaming down their faces uncontrollably. He grabs her hand and she squeezes it one last time.

"Goodbye Harry."

He can hardly speak and needs to force out the words. "Goodbye Ruth."

She turns and walks away without so much as a backward glance.

Harry watches the retreating figure, still trying to get his head around everything that's just happened.

There goes the woman he loves more than he ever thought himself capable of. He committed treason for her, and would willingly have gone to prison for it as long as she were safe. In that moment when he decided to give up Albany he knew he was possibly throwing away his life for her, and if he were faced with these choices again he wouldn't change a thing. In the end in the inquiry had done no more harm than stripping him of his Knighthood, not that he couldn't care less about that.

And now he had to watch her walk off into the night, never to return again. He knew he should go after her, beg her one last time to change her mind. But he knew she would refuse. So he wouldn't do anything. He would stand there and watch her retreating back until the darkness of the night would shield her from his sight completely. He couldn't disobey her final request to him, not matter how much it hurt. He loved her too much for that.

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***hides***

**Please don't kill me and I'd love a review!  
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